Mission Critical

Gold and Experience: The Adventure Begins

Five brave adventurers set forth on a new path seeking danger, gold and experience. Elsewhere, an evil spell was cast on a lone Paladin that left her shitting and puking all day and night… will she ever make it out of that accursed bathroom?

Five Level one adventurers found themselves on the Ivory Road, with little more than a dream and a few gold pieces to their bizarre names.

A Halfling Druid named Nipsy was driven from his town after the townfolk rejected him for his constantly meddling and incessant life coaching. He jumped into the first turnip wagon and didn’t look back.

Gus the Half-Elf Ranger was a part time actor who had grown tired of starring in after school specials and wanted to get into some real adventuring action.

Gob, an underage Sorcerer, was doing magic shows and mixing sex addiction counseling with crippling stripper banging relapses. He knew he wanted more out of life so he left town looking for some new test of his magical abilities.

Navi, was a blue, tall (for a Halfling), butter-faced Rogue was a former pole dancer, out on the road looking for her next big score.

Which left Wyan Seaquest, a Half-Orc Barbarian who was dropped on his head as a child, leading to extreme strength and low intelligence. Loyal to his Coors and hauntingly childish cartoon pornography… he wandered the land.

Our adventurers met by a sign on the well-traveled Ivory Road coincidentally at one of those unusual five way intersections and after Nipsy tumbled from a passing turnip cart, they wasted little time getting to know each other. It began to rain and being new to adventure, no one wanted to be wet, so they all immediately ran toward a fire they saw nearby.

The group ran toward a makeshift tent and found a naked man there drying his clothes by a fire and sitting atop a large wooden chest. The man introduced himself as Zed the Thanemage. Immediately, our adventurers began to try to steal, coerce, lowball and basically fuck with this poor beleaguered naked man. Wyan, feeling that the rest of the crew were overthinking this whole thing, threw his arms in the air and successfully intimidated Zed into giving our adventurers his wooden chest that he had. The chest, he told them, was to be delivered to the great Cleric Bergen at the mansion on the hill. He wanted the group to make sure no matter what, they delivered the chest to Bergen. The gang agreed and waited for the rain to clear. As they came out of the tent in the drizzle the adventurers heard a scream in the distance. In a show of true camaraderie, the party was instantly split. Navi and Gus went to investigate while Gob, Wyan and Nipsy decided to lug the chest toward the mansion in the distance. Fortunately, Gob sent his Raven Kakaw along with Gus and Navi to keep an eye on things.

Upon arriving in the woods where the scream came from Navi, Gus, and Kakaw found a knight on horseback being attacked by three hideous blob-like creatures. Eager to help the man and confident in their untested abilities, they snuck up on battle and attacked from a distance. They quickly dispatched one of the blobs with crossbow and bow shots. Kakaw came back to Gob and told him what was going on in the woods, and Wyan and Nipsy decided to join Gob in the fight.

The rest of the party arrived amidst bow shots and blob mischeif, Nipsy quickly cast Entangle and the woods came alive and entangled literally everyone in vines and shrubbery. Everyone, except the strange knight, who quickly dispatched the blobs.

The Knight introduced himself as Helmut Staufen and Navi immediately tried to pick his pocket… and she did so successfully (what a sneaky bitch)! After having his property stolen unbeknownst to him, Helmut invited the group back to his father’s mansion (the ruler of this land known as the Kirsvald) Valdric.

The gang headed to the mansion and Wyan Seaquest started to draw hardcore cartoon pornography. It was truly amazing. The gang made it to the mansion and met Helmut’s brother Erich, who seemed a little bit off to say the least. He was extremely happy though that the group saved his brother and offered everyone dinner and a stay at the Mansion. The group went up to their rooms and Nipsy went to sleep. This is when Gob and Gus decided to go check out the mansion, cause something seemed a bit odd about the place and they heard strange whispers and shuffling out in the hallway. Navi on the other hand went straight for the guards quarters to see if she could find her way into some action.

Gob disguised himself as a servant escorting Gus around the mansion. They found themselves in the kitchen where a pig-like monster in robes was rifling through the pantry eating everything in sight. Gob used some sorcery to overturn a cauldron, allowing them time to bol through the room. In the meantime, Navi found some guards that were playing cards. They had to go do a shift and left her behind in their room. She started to rifle through their things and found some gold, but left before the next shift came in narrowly avoiding disaster.

At the same time Gob and Gus were surprised in the observatory by a demon that spewed acid breath. It was quite disgusting. Finally they decided to just go back to the room and wait for dinner as this mansion was way too weird.

Finally, Helmut came and escorted them down to the dining hall. There they met the entire Staufen family. Elzbeth, Rosalin, Erich, Jack, Kris, Valdric, Amalinda and the ugly pig monster Leanor. Basically, they were all evil corrupt fuckbags, and Jack was a complete psycho! After some extremely awkward conversation Helmut started choking! Everyone in the party tried to help him, but before anyone could, the psychotic weirdo brother Erich stole the body and ran for the chapel out of nowhere. Valdric tried to stop him, but I think he was tired and/or a pervert. The group got lost but eventually found their way to the Chapel.

The party quickly dispatched two guards guarding (go figure?) the chapel entrance. Inside they met Helmut’s evil brother Erich (who got his ass kicked). Gus found a secret door in the chapel and it lead them into a deep underground tomb and they venture through a series of chambers littered with servants bodies, cocooned in hardened goo. As they entered one of the chambers they were ambushed by 2 HUGE KNOCKERS. The gang fought off the Knockers and continued moving through the sunken tomb. It was then that they heard a huge ruckus forming outside.

Nipsy went up to check it out and it seemed that the entire town near the Mansion was creating a mob out front for some reason. Upon going back down to the tomb the gang found Bergen finally who told them that an ancient evil had taken over the children and was causing them to try to open a gateway to hell by resurrecting their ancient evil counterparts. Bergen said he was going to prep the room ahead and left. A seal formed on the door and a gigantic demon came at them.

The gang started to combat the demon which charged them with his horns pinning them against the wall. Wyan wrestled the demon off of them, and everyone went after them with everything they had. In the end it was Gob’s Raven Kakaw who with a triple critical, ripped out the Demon’s artery and bathed them all in demon blood. Wyan smashed the magical lock with his club (which only gave way to pure Rage) and the gang moved into a dark chamber with a pentagram in the center of it with all 7 children performing a strange incantation led by the evil duckweed Bergen.

The gang chopped up the siblings in a bloodbath beyond compare. All that was left in the end was Leonore who clung to a wall until Gus took her out with a blazing that basically blew her head off. Though Helmet truly was dead, Valdric and Elzbeth were ok, and it seemed that the gang had put a stop to a profane ritual that would have surely led to a hellish weekend (pun intended).



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